I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
