i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
How external is "for external use only"?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
