I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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