I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
