Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is it because I queefed?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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