i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
