Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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