As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
