so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
