i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
