OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
