Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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