capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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