dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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