Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
