I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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