I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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