Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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