the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
