Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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