I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
