On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
