So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I will pee on everything he values.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
