Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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