Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
