They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
