I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
