sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
