he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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