My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
