I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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