I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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