You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I fill condoms, not promises.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
