you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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