I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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