Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
