Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
