i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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