this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
