Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
