He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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