DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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