I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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