I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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