his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
