apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
