Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
