you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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