We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
