does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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